Inner Struggle

I had a really bad day yesterday. Work was horrendous on so many levels and it just put me in such a bad mood. I found myself meditating and talking to myself to get myself out of the funk I was in. I was truly disappointed with myself because I was practicing some new techniques since my vacation.

After I got back from vacation I had told myself that I would try to be more positive and not let things get to me so much. I’ve been dealing with a lot of the physical effects of stress these last two years that I really needed to find a way to not let things get to me as much. So after a week and two days of being more relaxed and happier due to my new found positivistic attitude, it went straight to the dumpster by about 10 am yesterday morning.

What makes me so frustrated about this mood going into the trash is that it’s tiring to be upset. Then talking myself into a good mood also makes me tired. All these conversations within my own head are just as exhausting at times as just letting the emotion be. But being angry isn’t a great way to be either. And talking to oneself, even if it’s inside my own head, probably isn’t a way to stay sane either.

Another example of this inner talk happened a few weeks ago. Someone I know did something that really upset me and made me feel horrible. I felt like the ugliest duckling ever. But instead of letting it get to me, I spent a couple hours talking to myself into thoughts of:
“It’s their problem, not mine”
“They don’t realize what they have”
“They are selfish and have no idea how stupid they are being”

It worked for the most part but those days sure were tiring. I don’t think an intense workout would have made my body feel as tired as my mind did during that period.

Most times it really is mind over matter and it’s the strength of mind that gets us through a lot of things. But you’ll never hear me deny the toll this inner struggle takes on a person.