The Pedestal

Since my dad passed away I have been focusing on the good memories and nice qualities that he had. It has made it hard at times to come to terms with his loss. But it has reminded me of what a good person he was.

My dad enjoyed his wine and cigarettes immensely. Almost nothing anyone could say would make him stop drinking and smoking. Ultimately the long term use of both things is what led to his demise. Although I accepted his vices for a long time because there was no way for me to make him change, I was reminded of how angry I was with his usage recently and it put my relationship with my dad in a different perspective.

At his funeral so many people said nice things about my dad and they were sincerely appreciated. Occasionally people mentioned how much they respected him because he lived his life the way he wanted. And yes, he did but to the detriment of his health and to my family. Looking back at it now, I realize how incredibly selfish he was to continue to drink and smoke despite the impacts it had on his health and on all of us. 

Some cultures believe that it’s not appropriate or manly for a man to talk about his problems. You have to bottle them up and try to escape your issues via drinking or smoking. This kind of thinking annoys the living crap out of me because there is no value in this type of behavior. No matter how much you drown your miseries or smoke them off your chest, they remain there on a daily basis. They need to be confronted and dealt with. My dad sought peace in his glass and his cigarette instead of letting it out. In the long run his behavior hurt him. No matter how many times I approached him about his vices, he told me to mind my business. I told him on numerous occasions that his health was my business because what he did affected me and everyone else. But he continued to do it with no regard of what it meant or did to me or anyone else, especially not himself. 

Recently my father-in-law came to visit and he also has a problem with alcohol. This is not something I particularly like about him because it shows weakness in his character and I can’t respect it. Due to his alcoholism, he had an accident that put him in the hospital. This made me upset for many reasons which included:

1)      My being pregnant calls for a reduction in stress where his accident only increased my stress

2)      My tolerance of people trying to kill themselves is very low in general and even more due to my dad’s passing being only a few months ago

3)      The fact that he was supposed to ‘help out’ while he was here and I saw nothing of that

4)      As usual I had to fend for myself and take care of myself when what I needed most were people to help me out. In the long run, I proved to myself again that I can take care of myself a lot better than anyone else can. And I’m lucky to be able to do that when so many others can’t. 

I won’t delve into the other reasons or emotions that this accident provoked in me because they have to do with issues that my husband and his family need to deal with. What made me most upset was how my father-in-law’s behavior re-opened a wound that I thought was healing with regards to my dad. Just as I was starting to feel better about losing him, I was reminded of how angry and pissed off he would make me. I had to remember those bad things about my dad when I had tried so hard to bury them. I recalled the myriad times that I wanted to take my dad to the side and beat the crap out of him for his crappy behavior. And even now when I can’t do it anymore, I am still so angry at him for leaving me and my family. Even though I know nothing can be done about it, I hate that I will never have the satisfaction of saying to him “I was right about your behavior and you never listened to me.” And I hate that he won’t be around to meet and spend time with my baby. I know it’s selfish and immature of me to say all this about him but it’s how I feel and it needs to be said. I do not bottle up my feelings like my dad and I don’t turn to the bottle or the cigarettes to avoid my problems like he did. And as I cry about all of this and I miss him, I remember that sometimes we have to take the people we love off their pedestal.