Thursday, February 26, 2015

Hard Decisions

Life is a series of choices. Someone, although I can't recall who, said that you are defined by who you are and the choices you make. Of course making those choices comes down to weighing different options and making that ultimate decision.

In the last few months I have had to come to terms with the old age of my first baby, Bonnette. I have had her since she was 8 weeks old. How I got her and why are not even relevant to the story but it helps to clarify that our teamwork together to get through a relationship is what makes our bond even stronger. She is 16 years and 4 months old today. Luckily I have had friendships that have lasted as long as (and even longer than) my relationship with her. I am blessed to know true enduring friendship (both human and canine). It is a considerable amount of time to love something/someone. Let's be real here, most marriages don't last that long. And oddly, Bonnette has been in my life longer than my husband and he and I have been together for a long time. This detail is really to put this all into perspective.

People don't understand why some people love their pets as much as they do. That's not me - and not just because I'm a pet owner.  I have never been one to dress Bonnette up and prance her around the neighborhood. I have simply enjoyed her company, her love, her spunkiness - what makes her Bonnette -  over all these years. Am not entirely sure why I have accepted so many of her quirks and idiosyncrasies when in a person I wouldn't tolerate half of it. There is an innate relationship between human and dog that they accept you for you and you reciprocate without it even being spoken or barked. I suppose that is where the bond is formed.

Maybe the bond is formed in the exuberance of their mood when they see you first thing in the morning and when you come home after a long day at work. They don't care how your day went because the most important part of their day is that you are finally home. They know when you are sick and how to nurse you to good health. They seek you out and want to cuddle even if you don't know that's what you need. They share their small span of time with you in the sole hopes that you will drop some table scraps in their direction.

In these last few days I have had to grapple with the injustice of their short life spans. Why can't she be here with me for as long as I am here on this earth? Why has all the joy I've experienced with her come to so much pain and sadness? So much of it is due to not having spent more time with her up to this point due to work, school and other committments. So much more of it is due to knowing I have very little time left with her. It is these moments of eventual loss when our priorities become crystal clear but I don't know why they aren't more evident beforehand.

With all this comes the overwhelming guilt that I will ultimately have to decide when she goes onto puppy heaven. Although I might not do the actual work, it is my command that will be followed. This is the one command that I truly hope you, Bonnette, will not obey (and you have been quite defiant, by the way and I still love you sometimes even more because of it) but I doubt it. I love you so much wiggle pickle and don't want to see you suffer anymore. I wish I could bring you the same comfort that you have brought to me all these years. But I wish I could bring it to you in life and not in death.




1 comment:

M said...

I haven't checked your blog for awhile and just saw this post. I'm so sorry for your loss. Spunky Bonnette brought such joy to your life and lived a good life herself. xoxo