Relationships are hard. Probably none are harder than the
parent and child ones. In the early years, parents are your role models, they
guide you and teach you. In later years those models are the ones you fight
against or with as you gain your own identity and independence. I had many
fights and stand offs with my mom through the years, especially after my father
passed as I became the substitute for my dad.
Despite those fights there were truths and behaviors that my
parents, my mom, taught me that became the foundation of who I am with some
personal tweaks, of course.
When I was young, I was sick and spent weeks in the hospital
undergoing tests and operations. My mom was with my through all the
appointments and every night in the hospital while I got better. There were
times during that ordeal that I was the one who had to comfort her – telling
her I would be fine and that she didn’t have to cry.
When I was about to give birth to M, my daughter, I didn’t want her
to come to the hospital with me because it was in the same hospital where my
dad passed only seven months before. She was still so sad and frail. But she
was there and despite my fear of her passing out, she held M in her arms
in utter shock of how I made it through labor. I snapped at her and said “Mom,
you did the same thing three times.” But she worried about me then and about us
always and that’s what moms do. She worried up to the end. Some of the last
things she said to me was to make sure that I put a hat on and to ensure that
we all ate.
As most of you know, I am a big dog lover. This I did not
get from my mom. Or, so I thought. When I was younger, I bugged my parents for a
dog relentlessly.
My mom’s responses were – these are in translation and
censored:
'No!'
'Enough with the dog already.'
'Get out of here with the dog'
'When you get older, you can get one.'
Sure enough, when I was older, I got one. My mom was furious
with me.
But over the years who was the one asking me to bring the
dog over, who informed me we were having chicken for dinner because that’s what
the dog asked for, who gave up her seat on the couch so the dog would be
comfortable. She had a big heart and it seemed at times that it was biggest for
the dogs.
It was also a very big heart for children. She often babysat
and was a nanny as we were growing up and we got older. She often would tell me
stories of what the children did and said while she was with them. She always
had a sparkle in her eyes as she retold those stories. Often laughing so hard,
she would gasp for air. She was very sweet and played with the kids. She did
this with M too –singing to her, playing peek-a-boo and getting ‘scared’
just to hear her laugh.
She had a great sense of humor. Her sense of sarcasm was
impeccable. She often tried to laugh or find humor in the smallest things. Both
of my parents had that talent and I try to emulate that even through hard
times.
What I am most grateful for is that despite only have a
fifth grade education, she and my dad worked tirelessly so we could all go to
college. We could have something that they didn’t. She rallied for both my and
my sister’s education because she came from a country and a time where girls
didn’t get to go to high school much less college. She knew that education over here, in America,
was the first step to a better life. Although she was physically here in the
US, her heart and her thoughts were always in Italy. There’s a line in a song
that goes ‘you cannot return to where you never left’. Every time I hear it I
think of my mom. I probably won’t listen to that song for a while now.
She was a strong woman, ‘manufactured in a different time
and place’ as many neighbors said. Through her rounds of chemotherapy, she
never once exhibited the nausea or vomiting that we were told to expect. The
nurses and oncologist always remarked that ‘she was a fighter – a tough
cookie’. And she was. She fought hard in life, with me, with us and now she’ll
go back to fighting with my dad. Dad, I hope you tuck your shirt in and that
you have smoked your share of cigarettes while you had your break. Mom, say hi
to my fuzzies and thank you for everything.
